to sub or not to sub

I am looking for a job that will give me...you guessed it more money. Every time I ever get started talking to someone about what I should be doing with my career and the fact that I majored in English automaticallly puts teacher in their mind they suggest subbing. Now...I remember how we treated substitute teachers in school and honestly I would not want to be one of those poor bastards, but it can bring in a good amount of money if you do it everyday. Especially if you have a degree. But do I want to? I know I dont want to do what I am doing now. I know that subbing would definently be a change of pace. I know that I am capable of subbing, but do I want to? Honestly I think the only thing holding me back is the fact that it scares the shit outta me, cause who knows what kind of kids your going to get thrown in front of everyday. I remember good subs, they were the ones that let you watch TV instead of doing the work...they are also probably the ones that rarely ever did subbing cause they let the kids watch tv instead of doing work. There are also the days that your teacher would say there will be a sub on wednesday so I have a movie picked out for you guys to watch, that seems like an easy lesson plan. Still I am hesistant and skeptical as to what being a substitute teacher would be like. Is it something I want to do?

I cant honestly say that right now at this moment I am happy. That upsets me. I want to be happy, I want to have everything I want and recieve exactly what I need, but almost 10 months of rejection has made me quite depressed and left me feeling empty, incapable and hopelessly useless. What am I suppose to do when I dont get what I think I deserve? Do I keep striving? keep an upbeat attitude? or do I stop wanting? stop trying? give up? I want to say that I believe the latter, but the truth is that I have stopped striving, stopped wanting and I wish I could say I have stopped caring, but I havent. Just thinking about it makes me want to sit in a corner and cry and there is nothing that I can do to stop feeling like that. I want to say this isnt normal for me, but lately, I havent been getting what I want. Im retreating to school, thinking that going back is what is going to make me happy but I simply pretend this is the truth because I have run out of options.... was the previous 4.5 years of my time and money worth it? Right now, in this moment, it seems that it wasnt. Everyone has some advice to give me but with no actual hand up how am I suppose to pull myself up from down here, I keep scrapping the walls and trying to climb but every time I dont get it, I feel like it is one big block that has been stacked on top of me and even though I havent truly wanted anything I have been trying for, I kept thinking maybe I was worth it. Unfortunently I havent been, at least not in their eyes. I give up....

Today is the 34th anniversary of roe v. wade which is the historical supreme court case making abortion legal and safe for those wishing to obtain it. We are lucky enough to still have the right to choose today but some day with the way right wingers are gunning that right may be taken away. I am posting a blog in support of choice. Not abortion! I think that just like any other decision you make, from getting a abortion to which college you are going to attend, should be up to only one person and that person is you. The right to choose doesnt involve any body else and the fact that there are people every day that take advantage of their right to choose is amazing. Being pro-choice doesnt mean that I am pro-abortion, if there is anything in the world that would make the number of abortions each year decline, Im for it, but I still believe that they should have the choice. If the right of choice is taken away from women that will only cause a dangerous black market alley way abortions which can cause infection and in some cases lead to death. Having an abortion doesnt affect anybody but the woman making the choice and there fore shouldnt be decided upon by anybody but the woman. You can think they are wrong, but recognize the right to choose. Keep your laws off my body!

Safari

The sweat stenched humidity
is broken by a soft cool breeze
coming from the gaping window.
Our drenched, satisfied bodies lay tangled
in the safari of sheets and pillows.
I yearn to be here, in the wild jungle of cotton linen
that thrives in your bedroom.
I am the prey.
You devour me and I need more.
Here we exist as animals in human form.
We seek out a beastly desire
that can only be fulfilled in this jungle,
our natural habitat.
We were created here, we may die here
and through this jungle exploration we live.

I am a tolerant person. I am an accepting person. I do not discriminate against sexual prefrence, gender, race, income bracket or education level. I accept that all people have a different out look on many of the same issues. I tolerant different religions and religious beliefs. I am like jesus (thanks to Kanye we can all emulate him and get away with it) and I love all the little children of the world. The only thing I can not tolerate and the only thing that drives me up the wall, the only thing that I hate in people is stupidity. I know I have mentioned stupid people before, and the fact that I cant stand them but for some reason this has been on my mind alot. Another thing that I cant seem to stand is people who dont look at the WHOLE picture, especially when it affects a great number of people, which to me is a form of stupidity. Think about the people you love.

I knew it would happen one day. . .

10.28.01 David and I had only be toying with the idea of getting together, nothing serious. My friend Erin was throwing a combined birthday/birthday/halloween party for two of our close friends, Ryan and Jason. David and I had spend the last couple of mornings laying on the floor of my family room watching music videos on MTV due to stardardized testing that the sophomores had to take part in, we had late starts. We were starting to get pretty fond of each other, we had shared a first kiss already and I thought it was heavenly. I didnt know how he felt, but I definently knew there was a connection. On October 28th David and Nathan showed up at the party. While all of the festivities were taking place inside of the house, David and I snuck out to his truck. We spent the night making out and listening to music.

c. 01.03.02 I had gone to visit my family in Ohio for Christmas and for my Uncles wedding. Two days into the trip there and I was getting some bad information from Alissa. It made me nervous to even think about what she was saying but she told me her and David had been talking. She told me that he was thinking about getting serious with Alia, one of his best friends. She told me he was gonna cut ties with me. In order to avoid being the dumpee, I wrote David an email telling him that maybe we should just be friends. He wrote me one back saying he agreed. I tried to tell myself I was ok with this. I tried to tell myself that I wasnt attatched. I tried to tell myself that he didnt mean anything to me. That lasted for almost a whole day. Twelve hours later, I was a wreck, I spend hours on the phone with Erin telling her how upset I was and how I hated Alia. I told her that they werent even right for each other, I told Erin David and I were suppose to be together, but if he thought he was gonna be happy with her then I would let him be happy with her. I spent the rest of my trip to Ohio sulking around the house and crying in the shower. I was miserable. When we got home and school started I talked myself into being strong and not letting on that I was upset. I however made an effort to be seen by him. I made sure I looked hot every morning I knew I would see him. I wore the cutest outfits and I fixed my hair. None of it seemed to be working.

01.18.02 Less than eight teen days later David and I already talked online about how much he missed me, and about how much I missed him. I had visited him at his house, we were starting to hang out again, I was feeling good about this. On the 18th we had a party, David showed up, with his friend Nathan, to the party and he was a little tipsy. We spend most of the night making out and in his drunken stupor, he said it to me for the first time, "I love you". I knew right then that all those connective feelings from early were serious. I knew that I loved him back. From that moment on we were practically inseparable.

01.21.02 David skipped work and came over to my house that morning. We were laying in my bed talking and David asked me if we were gonna go ahead and make this official. I did the only thing I could to, nodded. We were officially boyfriend and girlfriend. I couldnt wait to tell everybody. The problem was everybody could wait to hear it. The news of our union fell on some unhappy ears. There were quite a few people who were not as pleased as I was but they couldnt keep me down. I was happy. I knew that our relationship was serious and that it meant something and no one was gonna bring me down from that wonderful high, not for the lack of trying though. I was threatened, I was called names, I was glared at, there were rumors, there were lies and there was an awful lot of deceit but I kept with David and I was determined to be happy. I knew it would last.

01.21.03 David and I celebrated our one year anniversary together

01.21.04 David and I went for two years and were still truckin.

01.21.05 David and I went out and celebrated three blissful years together and the only thing I could think about were all the naysayers, all the people who threatened me, all the people who stopped being my friends, all the people who said behind our backs it wouldnt last. Only if they could see us now. We made it three years, the subject of what we should name our kids had come up more than once. We were still in love with each other as much as we were the first time he said I love you.

12.24.05 We came home from Christmas eve obligations at Davids parents house. We had spent the day over there hanging out and helping with cooking. We came home around five so we could rest a little, spend some time alone and make it over to more parental obligations at my parents house at six. I was in the back of the house when David called for me to come into the family room. Sitting on the ottoman in front of the Christmas tree was an average sized box. David said to me "Santa came early". I asked him if he wanted me to open my present now. He nodded his head. I was reluctant but told him that if I opened my present now, that he could open one of his. He agreed to this and urged me to open the package. Underneath the red wrapping paper was a box from a cookie company in California. He told me to open the box and see what was inside. I opened the box and sitting inside was a giant fortune cookie. I smiled, it had chocolate and toffee and caramel all over it, "Do you get to pick what the fortune says" I asked him. He told me no, but that it did have a fortune and I needed to open in. I took it into the kitchen so that I wouldnt get crumbs all over the place. David handed me a plate to break the cookie over and I split the thing in two. I reached in a pulled out the oversized fortune. I was facing the counter and as I unfolded the fortune the words "Will you marry me?" popped off the page and nearly knocked me out. I whipped around to find David down on one knee behind me. I welled up a little. In his had he had a ring box with a diamond ring, meant for my finger, sitting in it. I gasped a little and called him a jerk. I had no idea, I was so surprised the only thing I could think of was you jerk, you pulled it off, I had no idea it was gonna happen like that or at that moment. I of couse told the man yes and he put the ring on my finger.

I am now engaged to be married to the one man that I truly want to spend the rest of my life with. The last four years have been a breeze and I cant wait for the rest of our lives.

This is a piece I wrote for my writing class:

Coffee Break

It is an ordinary chain coffee shop. Thousands of people walk in and out of the black metal framed doorway everyday and everyday thousands of people are utterly grateful to have their coffee. The smell of newspaper, and dark, robust coffee beckons people inside, tells them to sit and relax for as long as they like. If these walls could talk they would have a story for everyday. They would tell of conversations, relationships, people, luckily they don’t have to talk because there is always someone around to witness the stories as they happen.

There are very few occasions that have disrupted this calm collected environment, even momentarily, but one such event took place on a brisk autumn evening. It was the kind of evening where you can smell the weather changing from cool to colder. Outside the wind was blowing, pushing people inside where they could be comforted and warmed by dark French roast or Costa Rican blend. The warm, dim lights provided an inviting backdrop for a normal evening. A young couple was sitting at a small table in the back corner of the coffee shop talking quietly. The twenty or so other tables were littered with students talking, working on papers, reading books, and sipping coffee. The hiss of the cappuccino machine worked feverishly to drown out the ability to eavesdrop on any of the conversations. The baristas settled into their routine expecting an ordinary night of mixing modern day cocktails.

A loud sob suddenly interrupted everyone’s pristine silence. The young couple in the corner was arguing. The young man, Nathan, was trying frantically to comfort and quiet his girlfriend but it was too late, they had already attracted the attention of every person in the small coffee shop. She started stammering in between sobs, loud enough to shut the cappuccino machine up, “Nathan, I can NOT believe. . . you. . .are. . . ending it. After. . .four. . .years”. She suddenly realized how hurt and how angry she was and added with full control of her voice now, “and at a coffee shop?!” She calmly collected her things, her cup of coffee, in the cardboard cup with the environmentally safe sleeve to prevent your hands from being burned. She picked up her small designer handbag, searched for the car keys inside, took one last look at Nathan, turned and walked out the door. She never acknowledged the presence of the people staring at her. She just turned and left. Nathan as if surprised by her reaction pulled a small black cell phone out of his pocket and made a quick phone call, “Hey whater you doin? Can you come pick me up? No, the bitch just left me here.” He looked around to find that everyone’s eyes where rested on him and everyone’s ears where hanging on the words coming out of his mouth, “I will be outside”. He flipped his phone closed, picked up his empty coffee cup and walked out the door, leaving all of us, the voyeurs, in a stunned silence.

Everybody slowly went back to their business. People picked up their conversations where they had left them off. The clack of keyboards once again filled the air as the typing of term papers resumed. But for the next fifteen minutes they all stole glances out the tinted, floor to ceiling windows to see if Nathan was still waiting for his ride. A white truck pulled up and he climbed in through the passenger door and drove off, leaving the audience to their normalcy. The cappuccino machine resumed its noisy hissing, providing the comfort that things were indeed back to normal. The serenity had been interrupted for only a few moments but those few moments would change the rest of Nathan’s life, the rest of his girlfriend’s life and even the rest of the audience’s lives. The only object that remained unscathed was the coffee shop. Thousands of people will continue to walk through the black metal framed doorway everyday and everyday those people will be utterly grateful to have their coffee.